Splitting the Parenting Load
Episode 37: Splitting the Parenting Load with Betsi Flint @betsiflint
This week Rachael has on Professional beach volleyball player, Betsi Flint to talk about juggling motherhood and her demanding athletic career. Betsi discusses the challenges of balancing training and parenting, the importance of sleep for both her and her toddler, and the support she receives from her husband and family.
Find out how splitting the parenting load has been beneficial to her and her family and how she splits parenting duties with her husband. Betsi shares all about the need for self-care and mental health in order to be a better parent. She also highlights the lessons she has learned as a mom athlete and the importance of pelvic floor therapy in her recovery. Betsi's story serves as an inspiration for other women to pursue their dreams after becoming mothers.
Betsi is a professional beach volleyball player, wife and toddler mom. She is a 6-time AVP Champion, 2-time AVCA All-American and is currently in the race toward the 2024 Paris Olympics while also balancing motherhood. Betsi is passionate about empowering women and mothers to follow their goals.
Mentioned in this episode:
Betsi’s IG page: https://www.instagram.com/betsiflint/
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✨For sleep support and resources, visit heysleepybaby.com and follow @heysleepybaby on Instagram! 😴☁️🤎✨
Rachael is a mom of 3, founder of Hey, Sleepy Baby, and the host of this podcast.
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Welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host Rachel Shepherd -Ohta and today I'm talking with professional beach volleyball player, wife and toddler mom, Betsi Flint. Betsi is a six -time AVP champion, two -time AVCA, all -American and is currently in the race towards the 2024 Paris Olympics, while also somehow balancing motherhood. Betsi is passionate about empowering women to follow their goals. And I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Welcome.
I'm excited to be here. Thank you.
I just have to ask because I'm not an athletic person at all. I would love to hear about like just your journey with juggling this intensely physical job and also the physicality of being a mom because just parenting my kids on a day to day basis is enough to like make my body completely break down. How do you do that?
It's very challenging. I feel like each stage has been hard. My daughter is turning three in a couple of weeks and it's been different every year. I finally, we're finally sleeping as of like a couple of weeks ago, we're sleeping through the night, which is a big win for us and that makes all the difference for training. It's really hard to wake up when you're up a couple of times in the night or awake for two or three hours just playing, but yeah, I'm very fortunate. My husband helps out a ton. He is, I would consider him one of the primary taker for my daughter, which I know your husband recently is now the primary caretaker. So it's very challenging too. He does work a full -time job, but he gives me a lot of flexibility and I'm able to train all morning.
And then I come home and I'm a mom and I have found that I am conditioning way less in the gym because I need the energy to condition with my toddler. We're always outside on the bike running around. And so I feel really good on the court even cutting out some of that conditioning. So yeah, it's been an adjustment. It's awesome though.
Where do you guys live?
We live in Los Angeles, California.
Okay, so you do get a lot of nice outside time in the warmth.
Yes, yes, occasional rain like today, but can't complain, it'd be hard to be in a snowy place.
Yeah, I know, I'm thinking of everybody right now just dealing with winters and it's so tough when you have little ones that have tons of energy that they need to get out. Can you talk to us a little bit because a lot of my audience is you know, they know me from my sleep page So they're very interested in this topic…… So I would love to hear you said your daughter is almost three and she just recently started sleeping through the night, Which I think I mean to me is very normal right, and a lot in a lot of other places and cultures It's very normal and accepted and expected. But it seems like here we have this expectation that babies should start sleeping through much sooner than that. So can you talk to us a little bit about your sleep journey with your daughter?
Yes, I would say she's never been a great sleeper and it's hard when I'm comparing to other people. My sister has a daughter that's seven or eight months older and she's been a great sleeper since she was an infant and it's been hard because that's my expectation of like you should be sleeping long stretches. I mean you're two years old. You shouldn't be awake for two or three hours the night. I Feel like every time she started sleeping consistently something changed, something happened, and We went back. And it is it's hard on my body sleep is super important for recovery. So my husband's been great with taking her in the night. But not until recently and she's almost three something clicked where we have we have the hatch that has a blue light or whatever you make whatever color and we talked about it for so long like we don't wake up, we don't get out of our room until the blue light comes on and I don't know what happened but one day it switched and we did travel internationally maybe that just flipped her all the way around and something clicked…. so not until yeah a couple weeks ago, did it change? And I don't want to jinx it, but it's been very helpful.
Amazing. Oh my gosh, I love that. Yeah, sometimes travel, I noticed that a lot of times parents are worried about travel, like messing up sleep. But I do hear sometimes about this situation that you just described where a big trip or something like that kind of like resets them in a way and then they start sleeping or the family like moves into a new house and they start sleeping. It's so funny. It's just you never know what you're going to get with toddlers and sleep because it can just be all over the map. Even if they were a good sleeper as a baby, it's not guaranteed in toddlerhood. And I did a whole episode on that because it really is so true. So when you're not getting sleep and you mentioned it sounds like she had split nights where she was up for like extended periods in the night. So you mentioned that your husband would be kind of the one on duty. Was that something that you guys have have done throughout her life and throughout her infancy? Did she ever go through like a separation anxiety phase from you or have like a preference for one of you? Or how did that all go? Because I know a lot of parents struggle with one partner being like super, super preferred and the other one having a harder time settling for the toddler.
Yeah, I would say I have been the preferred parent, maybe until... the second year. I was I was playing and I travel so much we travel internationally and domestically I'd say on average two weeks every month while we're in season. So once that happened it switched and my husband was the default parent and that was really hard on me. It is amazing in the night when she only goes to him but it is hard because I want to help.
And when I try to help, I make it worse. So I try to step back. So it does hard, it's hard, it fluctuates for sure. But my husband has been preferred. Yeah. And yeah, I don't know the best way to handle it. I think part of it is that I haven't been there consistently like he has. So he is, yeah, the safe one. But that's been a challenge for us.
Yeah, I think it's a challenge for a lot of people and when one person's traveling or one person's not there …. Sometimes it's easier for the child to accept the non -preferred parent because they like don't have another choice and sometimes if you're both available, And you're both home, That's when it can be really tricky. How have you managed to like balance not just your training schedule and you know All of this stuff that you need to do for yourself physically, but like mentally, how do you find time to take care of your mental health? Do you get time for like other hobbies or is it really just all about your sport right now? Because that's what life looks like.
Yeah, I know it's a phase, but I'm pretty much all in on my sport working out and all in on being a mom.
Mm -hmm.
And I do think being physically active really helps me mentally. The days I get that time to myself, to work on myself, I am such a better parent. So that has been really helpful. And just with our schedules right now, it's been a disconnect with me and my husband. And I just have to keep reminding myself, like this is a phase, like she's so young, like we're choosing to do this. And I just have to keep reminding myself eventually going to find that time to connect. It's hard. We live in a place without family. So it's just us juggling. We have great friends but you know that's different than having family around. I'm fortunate enough that my mother -in -law does work remotely so oftentimes when I travel she'll come into town and she'll work in the mornings and then when my husband goes to work she'll watch Kora so that's that's been super helpful. I definitely couldn't be doing what I'm doing without her, so I'm so grateful for her.
Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, having family support, we have the same thing. We have my husband's whole family is here in San Francisco, and it was even like the deciding factor on whether or not we were gonna have a third kid, because if we didn't have that support system, we would have been like, absolutely not. There's no way that we can juggle three kids, it's just the two of us or even you know Two is it was a struggle sometimes So that's so nice that you have that because it can be really hard to be away from not only just for the help but for just like the Support system and for your child to have like these multiple attachment figures that they get to grow up With and and that love them and that's such a special thing. What lessons have you learned with juggling these two roles and how is it different from life before you had a child? How have things kind of changed or evolved and how do you feel about your sport and the time it takes now that you're a mom?
Yeah, I've definitely learned so much. I think something that's really helped me is honing in on my why and that's really helped improve my game. Before, I for sure, was. intentional with practice but now I'm like man I'm taking time away from my daughter from my husband like I want to make this purposeful so it's really helped me shift my why and part of it is inspiring my daughter to pursue her dreams when she gets older whatever that may be and just to go all out with that and I definitely want to inspire moms and young women all around that they can continue to pursue their dreams after they have kids. And yes, it looks different, but it's definitely worthwhile.
Does she get it? Like does she watch you on TV or anything like that and kind of understand or not quite yet?
A little bit. Like she'll watch me on TV and sometimes she gets upset when I'm gone and sometimes they can watch it. I think it depends on how she's feeling and I think that was a big shift for me. Talking to my sports psychologist right after having her, I was worried that she was going to be so mad at me and hate that I was leaving. He just told me, he's like, you know, you've got to accept it. Like she's allowed to be mad. She's allowed to be upset about it. And the more you accept it and embrace it, the better off she's going to be and the more she's going to get over it and understand it.
So I've, I'm trying to do that. It's challenging for sure. When I come home, I had a time where she like wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't come to me. Like it was so different and that was so hard. It had hurt my heart for sure. But she did eventually, you know, get through it. And yeah, I think it helps our relationship too.
Yeah, of course. You mentioned that, it's important to you two to be like a role model for her to show her that you can pursue your dreams and your goals and also be a mom. So are there any like specific lessons that you hope that your daughter or other young girls kind of take away from your experience? Like I know that sometimes that idea of like you could have it all is, I don't know, I guess it's become a little bit controversial to say that like a woman can have it all and can do it all because the reality is that you do actually really need a lot of support to be able to do it all. So what do you think about that and do you feel like you could be doing all of this without a support system?
Yeah, I could not be doing this without a support system. It just takes so much sacrifice. But I do hope these young women see that if you're determined and you want to do something, you are very capable and there's a way…. it may be tricky You may have to navigate some things, but there is a way if you want something and just to Go 100 % go all out for whatever you want.
Yeah, is this something that was always kind of a dream of yours or did it Evolve and go further than you ever like could have dreamed of?
It's definitely evolved…. just I mean to start I I did want to have kids young and it's very hard when you're an athlete to know when to do that and the timing was right for us in COVID there was a break in tournaments and yeah it was still hard I had those self -doubts of like well I still have the same competitive edge? will my body be able to like recover and get stronger? and once I accepted like I those are uncertainties those are unknowns and there's nothing I can do about them, and I just get to navigate whatever comes my way, and I definitely have not lost competitiveness.
It comes and goes for sure when I'm at home I'm less competitive but when I'm on the court like I'm able to just focus and kind of forget about everything and compete and that's been very rewarding for me.
That's awesome Do you feel like as a Cora, your daughter, as she gets older, she'll do more of the traveling with you or have you talked about like what that will look like once she starts school or things like that? 'Cause I know you mentioned that sometimes she'll go, she'll travel with you, but not always, right?
Yeah, I would, I would love it. It's hard on my husband, he does still work and you know, traveling with a toddler by yourself and I wouldn't be there helping as often would be very challenging, so it's kind of on him. But I do love when she's able to watch me in person and we do get downtime between tournaments and that's the hardest part. Like once the tournaments start, I'm pretty busy with the film, the practices and preparing that it's easy to be distracted. It's right when we're done with that tournament. If we lose, like I wanna change my flight and go home as soon as I can. So for sure, I'd love for her to travel with school coming up, hopefully in the fall. It might look different. But we will figure that out when we get there.
Do a lot of your teammates have kids as well, or is that something that you're kind of like alone and in your experience being a mom right now?
We do play two on two. … so me and my partner she's a little younger she does not have kids but there are other international players who have kids and it's cool to talk with them like between tournaments like how are you doing? how are the kids? and there's one girl from Brazil and she has a few kids and they were able to travel to a tournament and I thought that was so special they're a little older so they can you know sit there and watch. But that's really inspiring. And there's been a ton of female athletes who are inspiring to me, especially in beach volleyball. So I know it's possible. And you just don't know how much sacrifice they went through until you do it yourself. So I have way more respect for all the moms now that I'm a mom.
That's amazing. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back.
So Betsi, you are such a busy mom. I would love to hear if you have any tips or words of wisdom or just insights into how you kind of manage your day or your week as a professional athlete to kind of find time for both training and spending time with your daughter like how do you and your husband kind of divide up the tasks and make it all happen?
Finding time to prioritize yourself. For me, I'm very fortunate that my job is working out. But I feel like that movement and just spending the time outside of my house helps me become a better mom. So I'd say that's very important. And we did the same for my husband. We got him a gym membership with a daycare where he's able to drop her off and work out. And at first it was very challenging because she cried so hard that she threw up and my husband was traumatized and didn't want to go back. But now she's at a place where she really loves it. And it's great for socializing. And then my husband gets to spend time to himself. He gets to work out, use the amenities. So that was huge for us. So if people can can afford it, I think that's a great place to start.
Yeah, that's such a good hack. And honestly, it doesn't even have to be expensive. We used to belong to the Y, just the YMCA here, because I was teaching yoga there. And so we would just, you know, go, I would teach my class, my husband would get to have his workout and we would put our son in the little daycare. And yeah, it's like such a good hack because you can put them in the daycare and, you know, as long as That goes well, which every kid is different, everyone has a different temperament, if we tried to leave my daughter in a daycare like that I would never go over… but Yeah, but it's so nice because then you have that time to yourself and the daycare is like Included you don't even have to worry about a babysitter or anything.
Yeah, it's a it's a great resource for sure.
Nice and then what about like Household stuff. Do you guys have a system for who does what? what? Or is it kind of all on him since he's home with your daughter?
Yeah, we could definitely do a better job with that. We both are equal in a lot of things, which I'm very fortunate. I know and not all partnerships are like that, but we work together well and, you know, dividing the tasks. And I'm very grateful for Chase, my husband, for all that he does. And I know it can be rare to find someone like our husbands that will take care of kids and do household things.
Yeah, I know. I loved your reel that where you were, I forget exactly how you worded it, but you were just sharing appreciation for him, and I thought that that was so nice. It's a shame that it's kind of like the, it's not the norm, I feel like. Maybe it is in certain places, if it's a little more progressive, but... yeah, I find when I get questions about like how do you get your husband to help clean the house and I'm just like oh my god like my husband does way more of the house cleaning than I do and and I don't know it just it works for us. I guess he doesn't mind doing it but also I don't know he was raised by a
single mom and he just kind of like that's how he was brought up and learned that you have to kind of pull your weight when you're in a household so I'm glad that you have that support because if my heart really does break for moms who feel like they have to do Everything …. they have to work.
They have to take care of the kid. They have to take care of the house It's just it's too much for one person.
Yes, it is.
I know you mentioned you did pelvic floor therapy before birth and postpartum And I did a whole episode recently with Dr. Sarah Reardon at the vagina whisperer and not a lot of people knew about pelvic floor therapy before. I had so many people writing to me like, "Oh my gosh, I didn't even know that this was an option and this is so great." How did you come to learn about it and how did it kind of help you with your birth and recovery Because I know that must have been something you were probably worried about, where you know your body is your job. How did that help you?
Yeah, my friend is a midwife and she recommended it late in the second trimester until delivery and then going back after. And it was a huge piece of the puzzle for me. I mean, I didn't know what I was doing. She helped with the delivery for sure, just helping me find positions where I can relax and the best birthing position, things that I wouldn't have known without going to her and then for sure… postpartum. I got cleared by my midwives around six weeks. They're like, yeah, you can go work out. I'm like, okay I can go jump I can go do everything They're like, yeah, you should be good and I go to my pelvic floor physical therapist and she's like, okay slow down. I know your goals. I don't think you should be jumping and going a hundred percent yet And she slowed me down, which is hard for me, but I listened to her and it's definitely paid off. I play a sport where I'm jumping all the time. And I didn't want to pee when I jumped.
Yeah, because I know that can be a thing. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm happy to report I don't pee when I jump. And I'm grateful for the resource. And I think it should be available to everyone. People don't know about it. And it can be hard to find.
And yeah, it's like standard care inside some countries where they, all people who give birth get pelvic floor therapy afterwards and that's how it should be because yeah, I went to like a kickboxing class, I was several months postpartum and we had to do jumping jacks and I immediately started peeing when I was doing the jumping jacks and I was just like, okay, this can't be my life now and so I can't imagine if my job was to be doing that and I was on TV, like I would be... be so worried about peeing my pants on TV….. while I was at work yeah I can't imagine so I'm very glad that I helped you!
Yes for sure and even the little things like reengaging our core that just you know it gets a little wrecked when you're pregnant so that was yeah mind -blowing just to learn how to re engage my core and build from the ground up.
That's so awesome I'm so glad you were able to do that. Betsi, we're going to take one more quick break and when we come back, I want to know what's something that no one told you before becoming a parent that you wish that they had will be right back.
Okay, Betsi, so to wrap up today's episode, one thing that I always love to ask parents when they come on the podcast is the theme of this podcast is kind of like what no one told you, what, what people should really be talking about more to help people who are kind of preparing for, for parenthood. So what would you say is it can be one thing or multiple things, but what's something that you wish somebody had warned you about, told you about, just filled you in on before you became a mom?
Yeah, one thing no one told me was just the emotional regulation I need as a parent. It can be very frustrating and challenging and how my daughter reacts is mainly how I'm reacting. So if I'm irritated and frustrated like it whatever the situation is gets worse. So finding ways to calm down and relax myself and I think the terrible twos get a bad reputation like it's a lot of times me that's the issue. Yeah, for sure. We have some unreasonable requests, like what color of cup she wants. But how I react is definitely triggering that. So I think that's something people don't talk about often. And it is so important for myself. And I'm learning so much about myself by doing this.
That is so true. I say that all the time too, like that has been one of my biggest like bold moments as a parent too is that it's so much just about me keeping my cool. They're gonna tantrum. They're gonna you know do what toddlers do. There's nothing we can really do to to change that or to stop it from happening but we can change how it affects us and how we react to them. Have you found any strategies or like anything that helps you with that?
For sure. Taking a step back it's not always easy. Again, this is easier said than done, but taking a step back and just breathing and just remembering like everything's gonna be okay. Like we're safe, we're healthy, everything is fine. And honestly, what's most helpful is my daughter, when she sees that I'm frustrated or overwhelmed, sometimes she'll look at me and she'll say, "Be happy," and she smiles.
Oh!
And it's... just such a reminder that they pick up on all of our emotions like when we're irritated and frustrated like I want her to be able to see that I have those emotions and then I can get through it and I can find my way to be happy again and I think it's important that they see it too that we're not just happy 24 /7 or calm 24 /7 but they learn how to adjust their emotions based on how we do it.
Yeah, I love that. That's so important. Yeah, and like the modeling piece too, right? So, you know, they see that we have an emotion and how do we deal with it? Do we like flip out and like tip over a table and yell and scream? Well, that's probably what they're going to learn how to do too. So yeah, it's hard, especially when you weren't necessarily like raised in that way to have somebody kind of showing you how to feel all those emotions and how to go through them. It's really hard to learn for the first time right alongside your kid.
It is. It is. Actually the other day she had this nice dress on. It's supposed to be for my sister's wedding and of course we were eating in it and she spilled ketchup on it and I was like no, no, no. Accidents happen. Yes. Like accidents happen. It's okay. I'm like, deep breath, you're right, it's okay. These clothes really don't matter. Like we're, again, safe and healthy. So she definitely does a great job of reminding me to keep my emotions in check.
Yeah, they really humble us, don't they? And yeah, this age too is you're like coming up to three, which for me was a challenging age. So yeah, keeping all of that in mind is so important. Betsi I appreciate you joining us on the podcast so much How can listeners connect with you and follow along with your journey to the Olympics?
Yes, you can follow me on Instagram at Betsy Flint B E T S I F L I N T I'm active there if you have questions about anything feel free to DM me and I will get back to you!
Cool, and then where will we be able to kind of keep up with your journey? Will you just share updates on your Instagram page or do you have a website that people should check out or how can we support you?
Yeah, I will be on Instagram sharing updates and where to follow along when we have tournaments coming up I will post links where you can watch and that is yeah, the best place to find me!
Okay, so cool we'll all be rooting for you. So thank you so much for joining and have a great rest of your day.
Thank you so much for having me, this is awesome.
